The Misery Machine (a.k.a. AssaultBike Pro)

Location: Our garage, where dreams go to die Condition: Physically perfect. Emotionally scarring. Are you tired of feeling good about yourself? Ready to truly understand what your limits are — and then push past them into a realm of wheezing, regret, and thigh cramp? Look no further than the AssaultBike Pro — the bike you will learn to hate. This thing doesn't plug in. It doesn't help. It doesn't care. It's 100% athlete powered, meaning you suffer entirely on your own terms. Specifications: Heavy-duty steel frame with industrial powder coating, this thing is more durable than your willpower. Bluetooth + ANT+ connectivity for syncing with devices you’ll throw across the room. Tracks time, distance, heart rate, watts, RPM, speed, and calories. But not mood, weirdly enough. Padded seat (kind of irrelevant, but it's there). 11 height settings, 6 front-to-back. It fits all body types, and breaks all spirits. 20 sealed bearings. Quite the bonus, if you're a sealed bearings aficionado. No electricity required. Just your soul. Max user weight: 136.3 kg Weight: 53.8 kg (comes with transport wheels for rolling it into your enemies’ homes). Dimensions: 126.6 cm (L) x 61.3 cm (W) x 129.9 cm (H) Currently retailing for $1,899.00 new Anonymous Reviews from Broken People I Know: “Having had two marriages, I thought I was no stranger to pain. The AssaultBike Pro showed me I was just an amateur.” “I laughed when I heard it called the Misery Machine. Two minutes later, I am laughing no more.” “After assembling it, I thought I’d done the hard part. Then I got on. Now I stare at it from across the room and cry quietly.” “Ideal for people who enjoy CrossFit, kettlebells, and existential dread.” “I felt muscles I'd never met before, and they were so so angry with me.” “My Apple Watch tried to call emergency services. Twice.”